Spaceship

*cue Yeezy’s Spaceship” Yesterday I was wheeled out of my job on a stretcher. The job that I’ve been on for 5 1/2 years. The reason: anxiety/panic attack. The subliminal reason: I WANT OUT! As I read Kanye’s tweets I realized that I’m not alone. A pastor once said in his sermon “what we pray about privately, will receive public confirmation”. (so thanks Yezzy for the confirmation) I have so many ideas, so much passion & creativity that it’s literally bursting at the seams. I have a common Urban American story; grew up in the PJs in the Bronx, odds and statistics completely against me (blah, blah, don’t cry for me Argentina) but just like yesterday.. I WANTED OUT. Felt like all this energy, all these dreams should not be kept to myself. I secretly think I’m frickin amazing and I don’t want it to be a secret any more. I feel like I have a duty to go after my goals. No longer can I keep these thoughts trapped in the matrix.. *gets in Spaceship & flys away, dropping Sunshine & glitter from the sky*

Complex Simplicity

   Live Music.. Oh how I love thee!! Big drums (my favorite instrument, a song isn’t quite a song without them), guitars, keyboard, and one of my favorite singers!! The Lioness herself - Ms. Complex Simplicity - The Luxurious Undergrind - highly underated - *drum rolls* TEEDRA MOSES!!!! *otis screams* Teedra performed at SOBs and gave life to the songs I’ve been playing for the past 6 years including her mixtape tracks.

   Dope.com is an understatement of the performance.  When it comes to Teedra’s music I can’t even put her in a box. Her songs are filled with soft romantic, yet hard soulful lyrics. She goes from mixing playful lyrics like those in “Backstroke” to sassy lyrics like those in “You’ll Never Find”. Let’s not forget the oh so crunk, b-boy stance, snarling tone of “You Better Tell Her” to the soul scratching, freedom anthem “No More Tears”. Some songs are so soulful you literally get lost. Then you have tracks like “Love Divine” (Me and my N****) that turn you into the girl on the Jay Z interlude.. (“a little in the baggie, a little in the purse”)

   She took us on an emotional journey in NYC. An underground journey in which most of the stans in the crowd has been on since 2004. It was amazing as the crowd sung word for word of each song. I swear I don’t want to call her hood, but she definitely has an street edge.. A sarcasm that’s oh so simple yet complex.. (hence the title of her first album) Her music rocked me to the core. Not sure if I should have had on timbs and a hoody or 5 inch pumps. Either way I can relate to her and feel comfortable.  Plus, you have to love a girl with a sense of humor. In between songs she had the crowd laughing, but at ease… Cheering her on like she was our homegirl from around the way & shared lunch with you at CS 42x.

   All in all I’m so glad I finally got to see Teedra live. Now that’s she signed to Maybach Music, I hope she gets the shine she deserves. But as she said that night at SOBs in her thick Miami accent, “Y’all can keep the fame, I just want your money”. (I hear that hot ishhh) I almost don’t want to share her with the the world. Like, she’s part of my secret society. Some artists (not that I see this happening with Teedra, not even for a second) become mainstream and they lose the rawness. The very aurora I fell in love with the first time I heard “Be Your Girl” blasting through the speakers in that office… in VA… the summer of ‘05.

   I can go on for days marveling on how much I fancy Teedra… How relatable she is.. How her songs come to life.. Breaking each song down lyric by lyric, 808 by 808…. Hmmm maybe I will.. Stay Tuned!!

*drops mic*

And her name is ME…

It’s very easy to judge other peoples life. How often do we wish we can have what someone else has? The hand we’re dealt can very easily be won if given to that someone else…

At one point earlier this year, I decided that I was going to stop wishing what could be and deal with what is. I had finally watched Eat, Pray, Love, a memoir turned movie in which the main character decides to take a “self discovery” journey (main character played by Pretty Woman herself, Julia Roberts) and said.. I’M LEAVING!!!

My first thought was to get the stamping *said in my Martin voice* and get some use out of my passport. But after watching the news, or one too many Lifetime movies, seeing people getting their heads chopped off, being sold as sex slaves, and/or simply just going missing.. I decided to stay a little more local.

So I got online, booked a trip, and a week I was gone… Why? I needed to get away and actually deal. I know that sounds backwards almost as if I was running away from the problems. But sometimes its hard to deal with certain things when you have too many people or memories in the current place you’re in. 

On this trip I was forced to deal with ME… I went through every emotion possible.. I laughed until my stomach hurt, I ugly cried, I happy cried, I was scared, I faced my fear… I literally jumped right into the middle of the ocean and wanted to be free. My inner fat girl shinned like crazy while I ate at every fine cuisine in town… Even ate at the local hood spots, grease buckets and all. I danced on tables and bars with strangers.. And under the stars, ALONE.

I knew that when I returned home, the people and place would be exactly the way I left it. No one even notice that I was gone, no one would understand why I chose to go alone. But it was ok, I could return home and face the one person I was hiding from all these years.. the one person that had been the hardest on me all my life… the person who had not been loving me, not caring for me, not appreciating me. And her name is ME….